Attack on Fans
by Admiral T. DeVanto
Summary: (Pure Crack) The young Survey Corps members start to act a little...peculiar. Of course, it is the senior officers who suffer for it, and of course, it's all Hanji's fault.


The Ambassadors of the Marley looked around the elaborate palace with open wonder. The thirteen seats surrounding the one large golden throne were just as elaborate as the palace itself. The three men were taken aback by the splendor of wealth, even morso then when they had received the odd letter of peace.

 _Attention enemy,_

 _It has come to my attention that we should be enemies. However, my own advisors have been very vocal about crushing you under our heel. But, going to war would kinda deplete the treasuries and I really don't want that. So why don't you come over to our place and we can have some dude time?_

 _Capiche?_

It was obviously a trap. Any idiot could see that. But, eh, the Marley were bored and what was sacrificing three ambassadors? The ambassadors got no say in the matter anyway.

"Thirteen advisors and one right hand man?" one Marley asked skeptically. He straightened up, however, when the Emperor seated on the tall throne turned to greet them. He arose in his golden silks, his dark buzzcut the only thing off about him. He seemed regal, not at all like the person who had written the informal letter.

Indeed, he set up a picture of regalence!

"What's up dudes!" the emperor greeted with a jovial smile as he descended down from his jewlad step stool.

Illusion shattered.

The ambassadors blinked, surprised at the informality. "Um, your highness?"

"How's it going on your side of the pathetic country?" the emperor asked as he flounced toward them, his robes swishing about like a strutting peacock. "So you came to ask a question?"

The ambassadors blinked, momentarily confused. "Well, actually we were invited-"

"How did you wind up with thirteen advisors?" one Marley asked suddenly.

The emperor shrugged. "TBH, that's 'to be honest' for you old folks, I am not too sure how it even happened myself. I left to go to the bathroom for twenty minutes, burrito night was pretty tough, and I come out to find that not only am I an emperor, but I am also in charge of thirteen crazy advisors!" He laughed. "Now let me tell you about the complicated event."

"Um, we didn't ask for a history lesson-"

"Silence!" the Emperor boomed. Pointing a finger at the offending man, he bellowed. "Mikasa! To the gallows with him! Sentence him to the guillotine! Scatter his ashes to the wind! He dared to interrupt me!"

A dark haired woman arose from one of the thrones, her gaze fierce. "Yes sir." With that, she lunged towards the cowering man in front of her. Grabbing him by the ear, she dragged him out of the room, kicking and screaming.

"Heh, kind of how you were brought into the Survey Corps," another woman commented on the throne, watching Mikasa drag away the screaming ambassador.

"Shut up Ral," a rather short advisor grumbled.

"Hey! Don't you dare insult my wife!" another man screamed, rising up from his throne and glaring at the unconcerned short man.

"Our wife!" another dark haired man reminded with a scowl.

At this moment, the remaining Marley were fearing for their lives.

"Can I please get back to the interesting story that I am just dying to share?" the Emperor asked, disgruntled.

"How are you going to hang, behead and burn the man at the stake?" one man on the throne asked, confused.

"When you're Emperor, you can make the rules. But you can't, as you are still a stable boy," the unhinged Emperor snapped. "Now shut up, Jean, while I tell the story!" He cleared his throat, obviously pleased. "Now, it all really started with burrito night, then immediately began the day after…"

* * *

 _Three weeks ago_

Levi grunted as he shifted around in the tight space while trying to not make any sound at all. He felt something sharp and bony poke into his side, and he hissed in annoyance. "Four-Eyes," he growled. "Get your stinky foot out of my side."

"My feet are not stinky, thank you very much," he heard Hanji huff. "And it's not my foot that's digging into your side."

"It's mine," he heard Erwin grunt, shuffling around in the dark space to try and give Levi and himself some room. However, the movement just caused Erwin's elbow to jab into Levi's chin. Levi grunted and shoved at the commander.

"Well what did you expect?" Mike stated with an annoyed huff as Erwin crashed into him. "This closet was meant to hide only one person in here, not four! Get your own hiding spot!"

"But this is the best one!" Hanji protested. "And if you don't pipe down, they'll find us-"

Her words were cut off when the walls around them began to crumble. Light streamed in as a hole was made into the wall as someone punched through it. All four of the senior officers shrunk back as Ymir poked her head in through the hole, her gaze wild with delight as she focused on Mike.

"I could smell your cologne," she purred, eyes alight.

Levi sniffed, glancing at Mike with an raised eyebrow. "You wear cologne?"

"I'm not an animal," Mike scowled. "I try to smell masculine."

"Nope!" Ymir chirped happily. "You're the perfect masculine gentleman!" She withdrew from the hole, and everyone could hear her calling out. "Yo, Christa! I found your man!"

"She's calling for reinforcements!" Erwin gasped, scrambling to get out of the tight space. "We've got to-"

"ERWIN!" a sudden voice shrieked, and the very door was ripped apart to reveal Christa, her eyes mad with delight. "There you are!" she exclaimed, launching herself at the commander. "I thought I lost you!"

"Get your hands off of him!" another voice shrieked. Sasha came tearing through the hallway, hands balled into fists. "He's mine!"

Christa tightened her hold on the doomed commander. "No! He's mine."

Erwin struggled in the petitre girls' surprisingly strong grip. He shot a look at Levi, his gaze pleading. "Help!"

Levi shook his head as he stepped out of the closet. "All yours ladies," he said with a smirk.

"Levi!" a shriek echoed through the room, causing the captain to freeze. He swore as Mikasa came flying in on ODM gear, her eyes searching until they landed on him. "Don't worry," she declared. "I shall protect you."

"I don't need your protection!" Levi shouted as he ran out of the closet and down the halls with an obsessed Mikasa chasing after him. Hanji, however, remained hiding beneath all the boxes in the closet, hoping that her obsessed fans did not find her.

No such luck as the very roof on the building was ripped apart by an overly eager Titan. Eren's Titan form grinned down at her and readily scooped her up. Hanji let out a shriek as she tried to flee, but the Titan just simply plucked her from the air.

"Put me down!" she screamed. "This is harassment and I will not hesitate to sue you for this!"

"Get your filthy hands off of MY Hanji!" a scream declared, and Hanji looked up with grateful eyes as Jean flew by, his swords slicing through Eren's fingers. The Titan let out a pained, mournful wail as Hanji was carried away by none other than Jean.

"Thanks Jean," she said in relief. However, her relief was quickly dissipated when Jean began to speak.

"No problem darling," he said with a wide smile. "Now what do you say you and I get married!"

Hanji's enraged shrieks about harassment, and Jeans pained yelps along with Erens angry Titan roar could be heard for miles.

* * *

 _Three weeks later_

"Um, how does this have to do with you being the Emperor?"

"Shut up! I'm telling the story. Mikasa! To the gallows with him!"

* * *

 _Three weeks ago_

Meanwhile, Levi Ackerman was trying to dodge the crazy Mikasa who seemed intent on making him 'hers.' He was his own person! He did not need to be anyone's property!

His annoyed thoughts were cut off when another Titan burst through the building, and he stared up with wide eyes to witness the Female Titan tear through the area. Her gaze was searching, blue eyes sweeping through the area.

"Get to your stations!" Levi shouted, already snapping into action. "We've got a situation-glomph!" His shouts were cut off when Mikasa tackled him to the ground, pinning him into the dirt as she stood over him.

"I'll protect you," Mikasa snarled, swords out as the Titan approached. "She's not getting anywhere near you."

However, the Female Titan did not seem interested at all in the struggling captain, or the determined girl. Instead, she seemed intent on chasing down one unfortunate blond scout.

"Help!" Eld screamed as the Female Titan tried to embrace him. "Crazy giant female on the loose!"

"Eld!" Gunther screamed. "Do the zig zag! It always works!"

"Zig zag," Eld repeated, performing such movements on his ODM gear in an effort to dodge the Titan. "Zig zag, zig zag-!" However, it did not work when the Female Titan snatched him from the sky and held him close, cuddling with him. "Help!" Eld squeaked.

Gunther took one look at the situation, torn with what to do. Should he rescue his fellow, suffering teammate from the overly affectionate Titan? Or should he flee before the same thing happened to him?

He frowned determinedly, withdrawing his swords as he stood strong before launching off the building and...speeding away from the Female Titan. "You're on your own Eld!" he shouted as he took shelter.

Levi grunted as he tried to crawl away from Mikasa, only for the young woman to plant a boot firmly on his back. Levi growled and quickly lashed out at her, only for his vision to go black. The last thing he heard before he lost consciousness was Mikasa crying. Why was she even crying? He should be the one who was crying! He was just whacked upside the head with a frying pan!

Meanwhile, Mikasa was indeed shedding some tears as she stood over the unconscious form of the captain. "I'm sorry," she sniffled. "But you are a danger to yourself, and I will not let you throw yourself into anymore peril." With a huff, she slung Levi's body over her shoulder and trudged off to somewhere safe.

"Yo, Mikasa," Ymir said, stomping forward as she carried an unconscious man over her shoulder. "Sup?"

Mikasa tightened her grip on Levi, her eyes narrowed. "I could ask you the same thing," she said warily.

Ymir nodded to Mike who was just waking up. "I'm taking my man to the altar, want to come? I need witnesses."

Mikasa blinked. The alter. Huh. She had the unconscious form of the love of her life slung over her shoulders. Why shouldn't she make up for lost time and tie the knot?

Mikasa nodded. "Sure. Two for the price of one."

Ymir smirked as they both walked toward the church. "I like how you think," Ymir said.

"I don't," Mike groaned, lifting his head as he started to struggle. Ymir's response was to whack him upside the head, causing Humanity's Second Strongest to fall unconsciouses.

* * *

 _Three weeks later_

"So, both of Humanities Strongest were forcefully married against their will?" At the Emperor's glare, the ambassador shrank back. "Shutting up," he mumbled.

* * *

 _Three weeks ago_

Levi glared as he was strapped to the chair, the silver substance digging into his skin with a sticky goo. What was this stuff? Across from him, Mike faced the same situation.

Both Mikasa and Ymir stood before a trembling Pastor Nick. The Bible jostled around in his hands as the terrified man got ready to perform the forced wedding ceremony.

"Not how I thought I was going to get married," Mike mumbled.

Any response Levi would have had was cut off by a Titan tearing through the roof of the church. The Female Titan glared down at them all while holding a squirming Eld. The Titan dumped the struggling Scout right in front of Pastor Nick before wedging herself into the building.

It was quite an impressive feat, considering that the entire bulk of the Titan did not bring the church crashing down.

"W-what is this?" Pastor Nick demanded, trembling as the Female Titan pointed at him, than herself, than Eld.

Pastor Nick blinked, overcoming his terror for a brief moment. "Eh? You want to...get married too?" At the Female Titan's energetic nod, he shrugged. "Oh well."

"Don't do this!" Eld screamed. "It can't be legal!"

"Besides, isn't Eld already engaged?" Levi asked with a raised eyebrow. Even as he spoke, he was trying to scoot his chair back in an effort to escape. "And a relationship between a human and a Titan wouldn't work anyway."

With narrowed eyes, the Female Titan fixed Levi with a withering glare before a small human emerged from the Titan form.

"That's one problem solved," Annie announced as she strode towards Eld. "We'll deal with the fiancée at a later time."

"Ha!" Ymir exclaimed, pointing at Annie. "I knew you were the Female Titan! Connie's gotta pay up!"

* * *

 _Three weeks later_

"Actually," the Emperor mused suddenly, halting in his story. "None of us were really surprised about Annie's Titan form."

"But, wait!" the ambassador exclaimed. "Then why did she not come back to the Marley?"

The Emperor shrugged. "Isn't it obvious? She was in love!"

* * *

 _Three weeks ago_

Petra Ral did her best to escape, she really did.

But when an obsessive Armored Titan and Colossal Titan were chasing after her, she knew that her chances were slim.

"What is with these people?" Petra gasped as she hid in an alleyway.

"I think I gave them something in those burritos," a different voice commented.

Petra yelped, stumbling back, hand on her heart. "Hanji?!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"Um, hiding," Hanji stated, as if it was obvious. "I've got a crazy Attack Titan and horse-face human chasing after me."

Petra huffed. "Well, I've got two Titans!"

Hanji's eyes brightened up. "Two Titans? Lucky you!"

"Anyway," Petra said, crouching down and trying to avoid the obsessive giants. "What was it about those burritos you said?"

Hanji hummed. "Oh, that," she said. "I might have mixed a formula that causes people to act a little...whacko. There's a complicated scientific term for it, but I do believe that the most common term is called 'fatal attraction'."

Petra's eyes widened in horror. She groaned. "Oh no. You mean...we are at the mercy of…?"

Hanji nodded. "That's right. Our young Scouts are acting like…" Hanji gulped. "Our fans."

* * *

 _Three weeks later_

"I think you just broke the fourth wall," someone muttered.

"Silence Levi! Or should I go into detail about those pathetic vows you were forced to say during your wedding?"

"..."

"That's what I thought! Now, back to the story!"

* * *

 _Three weeks ago_

Both Petra and Hanji looked up with wide eyes as the Attack Titan reached down, snatching Hanji away. The scientists screams mixed with Petra's before the auburn haired woman even realized she was screaming.

It was that very scream that caught the attention of her unwanted fans.

" **I'm coming!"** the Armored Titan roared, charging forward. However, the Colossal Titan rammed into him before snatching up the small human. With an enraged roar, the Armored Titan gave chase.

Meanwhile, Hanji was struggling in the Attack Titan's grasp, before she paused, eyes widening. Wait...didn't she love Titans? Then why was she struggling against someone?

"Oh yes!" Hanji exclaimed, hugging Eren's thumb. "Of course I'll be yours!"

"NOOOOOO!" Jean's heart wrenching screams could be heard for miles as he tried to take back his 'love.'

In the meantime, Commander Erwin was not faring any better. He could only look on helplessly as both Levi and Mike were dragged to the altar, Eld was being smothered to death by the Female Titan. The Colossal and Armored Titan seemed to be playing football with Petra, and Hanji was loudly proclaiming her love for a happy Eren while Jean cried his heart out.

It was in that moment that he realized, that all hope was lost.

He was brought back to the grim reality as both Sasha and Krista tugged on his arms.

"He's mine!" Sasha declared.

"No, he's mine!" Krista shouted.

"Ladies," Erwin started, grunting as the tug of war continued. "You're both a bit too...young."

"I can cook for you!" Sasha exclaimed. "My daddy's a hunter! We'd never go hungry!"

"Oh yeah?" Krista demanded. "Well, I'm a queen!"

Sasha scoffed. "Yeah right."

"I'm serious!" she demanded. She straightened up, suddenly regal. "I am not Krista Lenz, but Historia Reiss, the rightful ruler of the throne!"

* * *

 _Three weeks later_

"Of course," the Emperor said. "The commander realized that it was pointless to try and remain sane in the now suddenly crazy world. So, he came to a decision that would change the world…"

* * *

 _Three weeks ago_

Erwin shrugged, shooting Sasha an apologetic glance. "Sorry. But she's a queen."

Sasha's wails and Krista/Historia's excited squeals were all anyone ever heard.

"Great!" Historia exclaimed. "Then you can be my king!"

Erwin, hoping to put off his suffering a bit more, protested. "But you aren't a queen yet, and…"

"If anyone is going to sit on the throne as king, it'll be my Levi," Mikasa exclaimed. Behind her, she was still dragging Levi who was strapped to the chair.

" **My queen!"** Eren's Titan form exclaimed, storming forward while cradling Hanji.

"My woman!" Jean wailed.

"Hey!" Historia shouted, pointing an angry finger at him. "Hands off of my throne! And you!" she shrieked, pointing at Sasha as she tried to make off with Erwin. "Hands off of my man!"

Somehow, through it all, Erwin Smith could hear the sounds of someone in distress. The noise was, oddly enough, coming in the direction of the bathroom. He frowned. "Is someone in distress?"

* * *

 _Three weeks later_

The Emperor smirked. "Bet you're all wondering where I was at the moment, neh?"

* * *

 _Three weeks ago_

"Oh man," Connie groaned as he stumbled out of the bathroom. "I feel terrible." He clapped Armin on the shoulder. "Thanks for helping me to the bathroom. Now our friendship is solidified."

Armin grimaced. "Yeah." He glanced back at the destroyed bathroom, pitying anyone who would have to clean it. "I'm glad I didn't eat those burritos. It's why I'm a vegetarian."

Connie chuckled, only for both boys to stop and stare at the hectic scene before them. At that moment, Erwin locked eyes with Connie.

"He's our king!" Erwin shouted. "There! That settles it. Now let go of my arm!"

Commie blinked, startled at the declaration. "Me?"

"Well, if he's king," Historia huffed. "Then I demand a proper position in court! I need to support my husband!"

Erwin paled considerably.

"Me too," Mikasa said.

Levi huffed.

Connie frowned, pointing at everyone. "So, wait...you all got hitched? How long was I in the bathroom?"

Armin shrunk back worriedly, noting the crazed look in everyone's eyes.

Connie shrugged finally. "Eh, what does it matter? I'm king!" He frowned. "Though, why should I be a king? I should be an emperor!"

"An emperor needs advisors," Armin pointed out.

Connie nodded. "Good idea. You!" he slapped Armin's back. "Will be my right hand man, while you all can be my advisors!"

"Even us?" Reiner asked, gesturing to himself, Bertholdt and Annie. It seemed that they all came out of their Titan forms.

Connie shrugged. "Sure! As long as you don't, ya know, kill anyone."

Their faces lit up. "We defect from Marley!" they exclaimed.

"Who the heck is Merely?" Levi demanded.

"Don't know, don't care," Connie chirped.

* * *

 _Three weeks later_

Emperor Connie chackled. "And that is how I came to the throne with all my advisors!"

The ambassador blinked. "But...wait...no one turned back to normal?"

Connie shook his head. "Nope. And thank God for that, because I would lose my throne!"

"But how did these relationships even work out?" the ambassador exclaimed.

Connie hummed. "Funny you should mention it. It went something like this…"

* * *

 _Three weeks ago_

Petra looked between the two feuding men, torn and undecided. In that moment, both Reiner and Bertholdt looked ready to kill each other. Finally, with a sigh, she addressed them both with a simple question.

"Why chose? I can do both."

The Ackerman faced the same problem. Surprisingly, for being Humanity's Strongest, he could not break through the sticky substance that held him captive to the chair.

Duct Tape was his enemy.

Levi sighed in defeat as he glanced at Mikasa. He could not move much, as Mikasa was stroking his hair. "Whatever," he grumbled. "At least you don't have to change your last name."

"I like strong women," Mike nodded alongside him. Ymir giggled in delight, causing Mike to squirm uncomfortably.

A few other Scouts, however, were not so willing. But they soon relented after being forced to see reason.

"I'm engaged!" Eld protested. He squeaked at the glare he received from Annie. "But who needs her, right?"

"I still think you're too young," Erwin sighed.

Historia giggled. "So what?" She glared at Sasha who was staring at her menacingly while sharpening a butcher knife.

"I GET TO MARRY A TITAN!" Hanji shrieked happily.

"What about us?" Jean asked, gesturing to himself and Sasha.

Connie tapped them both on the foreheads. "You two will be our honorary stable boy and scullery maid." He passed them a bucket and mop. "Now, one of the bathrooms is blocked. You might need to fix the pipes."

* * *

 _Three months later_

Zeke Yeager placed the simple box down in front of the leaders of the Marley. "The ambassadors have returned, although they are filled with more questions than answers."

One man hummed. "Is that so? What of our three Warriors?"

"Defected, apparently," Zeke sighed. He opened the box. "The Emperor gave us these as a gift."

Another Marley leader frowned as he examined the contents. "Burritos?" he demanded. "Why?"

Zeke shrugged. "I don't know. But they also came with a letter." With that, he began to read out loud.

 _Attention enemy/possibly alley,_

 _I have enjoyed our time together and would love to do this again. I really like talking about my ascent to power and whatnot. Anyways, please accept this token as a symbol of our alliance. My advisor Hanji made them especially for you with a special ingredient that you will all enjoy. The burritos are really good, though I have never tried them._

 _I look forward to hearing back from you and getting back to some of our dude time._


End file.
